It took years for me to recognize that I too deserved some care and compassion. This journey to discover growth and healing led me to a life-changing question: How was I supposed to know how to be gentle and love myself if no one ever taught me how do this? This learned lack of boundaries and empathy for myself is generational trauma at its best, a silent cycle of abuse, we learn as children and live into as adults. I tolerated this until somewhere in my late 30’s I woke up feeling dead on the inside and tired of trying to hide it. I was conditioned to shut down, disconnect, stay busy, and take care of those around me, denying my needs and feelings. Suppressing myself eventually turned into anger, as adulthood began to feel scripted, like my childhood. Anger and shame are powerful emotions, so it took time for me to understand my relationships weren’t healthy and neither was I. Accepting I had a problem was the first step in beginning to recover the lost parts of myself. I had no memory of the trauma I needed to process and let go of, how it was ruling my life and how it felt for my family to witness and live with my boundaryless behavior.

Years later, after extensive research and referrals, I found a therapist and a coach who had a lived experience similar to mine. Both were survivors, compassionate and relatable. It took months to build trust, and feel safe, yet, over time, I began unraveling the sweater of what really happened to me as a child. I was taught to give myself room to exist and feel. I learned to trust myself and create my own safety in the world. This is a feat, considering, I’d never experienced a safe, long-term emotional bond before, even with myself. It was up to me to save me, evolve and grow. This was not easy, in the mental clutter and adrenal fatigue I was standing in as my life was once again turned upside down, and I faced the journey of starting over as a single parent for the second time.

As I slowly began to stand in the truth of how I’d been treated, my body began releasing constriction that had been trapped inside for decades. I woke up in ways that I hadn’t experienced in years. I kept investing in self-care and doing emotional recovery work. In time, I realized I was less angry. I had evolved. I began to master healthy boundaries, and self-care became a top priority. I saw this as an opportunity to learn healthier ways to live and love myself. I began to feel better for the first time in years.

I simply needed safety, non-judgment and to be met with compassion. I was stuck and unable to move until someone safely met me in the pain. With safe support, I learned to trust more deeply, and I became more present. Then, slowly, my brain began remembering the abuse that was done to me by a close and trusted family friend. Once I found the strength to examine the gaping emotional wounds I’d carried my entire life, I was able to process and release my unresolved emotions and trauma. Once I felt steadier in this space I’d created, only then could I look at living and loving myself fiercely, with wild acceptance.

Processing through what happened helped me heal and move into a new reality around the past and a new, healthier world view for my future. In the years since then, I’ve continued to mine myself, grow and learn. My brain has shown me old memories only when I was ready to heal and leave them in the past. After much work on me, I was able to begin the healing process with my parents and understand the trauma they endured, not having access to quality support, or even an awareness of the need to heal. I have worked hard to repair relationships with my grown children and other authentic humans, while loving myself at the same time. It took time and persistence to keep going, while learning the life-saving work of the soul reclamation process. It is my hope to use this experience, strength, and knowledge to help others accelerate their recovery of the lost parts of self on the pathway to reclaiming our whole selves. I’ve learned there isn’t anything you can’t conquer with the right support and loving humans surrounding you. Here’s to your journey of living, loving, and learning healthier ways to be every day.

With You In Healing,  

Carrie